Still going…

Still taking 20 mg of Paxil daily. If it’s done anything, it’s very subtle. It’s been just over a month and it’s really hard to tell. Although there are small signs. Less likely to hide at home all day. More likely to get off my ass and do things. I’ve been able to relax a bit.

Definitely taking a hit in the libido. Not sure how to deal with that.

That’s about it. In just over two weeks we leave to move halfway across the country to a home we haven’t found yet. I’m slowly getting my shit together, but I’m not exactly loaded with energy. I switched from taking my pill at night to taking it in the morning. I was getting hit hard with all my energy being drained during the afternoons. But taking the pill in the morning seems to move that to the middle of the night and now I just sleep a lil better. Works for me.

So yeah….just keepin on this track. I have Ativan but don’t use it much. To be honest they could be tictacs for all they do. Next time I need one I’m going to try two.

Oh yeah. Still on a healthy eating kick and exercising when I can. Getting in work outs half the time I’d like to. Hopefully my back and energy sync up so I can get better at those.

Til next time. Adios.

Still goin.

So far, so good. I started taking the Paxil at night, but it was killing me mid afternoon. I’d just be useless for 2-3 hours. I slowly moved the time from night time to mornings and now the killer energy dip comes in the middle of the night. So it helps me sleep and makes my day easier. That’s about all that’s new.

I took a road trip and that was an interesting week. The Paxil was still killin me each afternoon, but it was during the trip I realized the solution was to change when I took it. I still get a lil drowsy, but nothing like before.

Hard to tell if it’s helping yet. Any boost in mood I’m giving the road trip the credit. I love traveling and never have many issues with this stuff if I’m kept busy traveling. So it’s still much to soon to see if it’s working. But maybe soon.

Day……5?

So I started taking 10mg of Paxil for three days and was upped to 20mg on the fourth day. Just to ease me into it. The 10mg made me feel kinda nice n cozy the first night. A lil groggy, but nothing much. The next two days were free if any side effects. But upping it to 20 has caused insomnia and borderline zombie likeness in me. I googled how long the side effects will last to know that it varies, but one to four weeks seems like a large, but fairly safe bracket. I can do this. I get tired of feeling like this, but I’ve done it before. In fact I’ve purposely done it before. So I can deal with that stuff.

I’m heading out on a road trip for at least a week. Music festival sandwiched between a few thousand kilometers or beautiful wilderness. Being drugged up is normal for me at music festivals, just this time it won’t be my normal stuff. It’s not really that kinda festival anyways. But a road trip and lotsa nature will be great. Live music will be great. Getting away from everything with my girlfriend and hanging out in nature is always better than anything else.

I’ll be back next time there’s anything new to report.

The blog is a month old.

One month in and I actually have something to show for it. Paxil and Ativan. It’s only been two days, so I don’t have much to report on.

The feeling of relief is better than any drug. Knowing I’ve started this is a good feeling. This may not be the best medication for me, but I won’t know til I try. Little by little I can work this out with whatever doctor I can find wherever I end up.

Til then I take pills and continue this healthy eating and exercise thing. I did my first work out in months today. Just gotta keep going.

Day two of my new life

So Its been almost two days since I made it to the doctor and was prescribed Paxil and Ativan.  I took my first pill and felt stuff fairly quickly. Although, I doubt it was the Paxil. I think it was a wave of hope washing over me.  Sure, this isn’t guaranteed to work, but it’s got a better shot of working than hiding in my bedroom crying.

 

I took one of the Ativans last night when my insides went nuts. My girlfriend was an hour and a half later coming home for dinner and hadn’t had lunch and went straight for a snack. This made making the dinner I’d been waiting til she came home for kinda pointless. We are eating healthy n stuff these days and don’t have a ton of snacks to eat.  So I was hungry and dinner wasn’t really on the agenda anymore.  I gave up on food at just sat down and played on my phone to distract myself. Then she asked “Are you even hungry?” after I’d already told her I was glad she was finally home so we could make dinner.  Sometimes she seems to space out and miss stuff. It’s annoying, but I do it and so does everyone else. She started the prep the day before and generally we don’t team up on cooking meals. After 12 years of cooking for a job, I have my habits in the kitchen down to a solo act and other people get in the way. She got mad once when I helped. So we both kinda give people space. But with her half made dinner being ignored for snacks and me waiting patiently for far too long I was getting hangry. Like….really hangry. No fuckin Snickers would calm me down.  Anxiety and hangriness and who knows what else had me in a state where I was incredibly hungry, but too agitated to eat.

I figured it was a good chance to try out an Ativan. I noticed a small difference. All the crazy was still hanging out in my belly, but it was firmly in there. I felt a lil dozey, but not very.  So it brought me down to a manageable level. Something that I would normally smoke a few bowls or a joint to clear up.

Part of this quest to get help with my mental health was to smoke less weed. I smoke a fair bit of weed for medicinal reasons, plus I enjoy it recreationally as well.  Everything I smoke it for medicinally could actually be traced back to anxiety and depression. So if I can get some other medications going on for those things, I can relax and just smoke it recreationally and not 24/7. Although I don’t smoke in my sleep, so I smoke around 15 hours a day.  At one point in my life I was waking up halfway through my nights sleep to smoke a bowl and roll back over.  I was dating a girl across the street from me at the time and whenever I would wake up to smoke a bowl, I would look outside and see her leaving for her morning jog. After a jog and a shower she would wander across the street and curl into bed with me until I woke up.

 

So, the Paxil hasn’t had any effect on me yet, that I’ve noticed. But the hope that it will  give me some relief sure is nice. In four or five days I am heading out of town for a week. Driving down The Dempster Highway to go to Dawson City, Yukon for a music festival.  By the time I am home from that I should know how its working out.

We have been eating really healthy for a bit and were hoping the music festival wont ruin us. I think aside from the ice cream, I can eat fairly healthy in Dawson.  I love Dawson.

See ya later

First pill

I took a pill. First Paxil down. I feel a lil odd. Kinda like when ecstasy is first kicking in. It’s been about 3 hours of this. Guess my body will adjust to it.

Step one was hard

I just realized that this is step one. Going to talk to a doctor is only the first step. One incredibly hard first step. I now have Paxil and Ativan. I kinda suck at taking pills on a schedule. I have a feeling my girlfriend will be incredibly helpful with this part.

So now I take these as directed and see if they work. Gotta admit the fact “suicidal thoughts” are a side effect has always bothered me. Just going to assume they won’t be any worse than normal. If I’m going nuts, I’ve got the other pills. Wish me luck. I’ll report back soon.

Guess I’m doing it?

Today I actually walked out the door and to the walk in clinic at the hospital. Because this is the most dysfunctional place I’ve ever lived, the clinic was closed. This is a regular thing around here. Luckily, being in this situation before, I just walked to the other side of the hospital and into the ER.

Most people would call this an abuse of the ER. But anyone reading this is probably on my side. I made it that far. I couldn’t give up. Not this time.

I’ve been warned it could be a long wait. I tried getting an estimate, but with no solid answers, I’m going by facial reactions as I listed off potential wait times. I could be waiting about two hours if the facial expressions are accurate. Been a half hour so far. My limbs feel like they are made of pure nervous energy. Like anxiety lightning bolts shooting out of my torso.

As soon as I registered with the office staff, I ran outside and took a few puffs off my vaporizer. Not sure if I could make it two hours in this four foot by ten foot waiting room without it.

Now back to zoning out and waiting.

Guess I am putting this off still

I guess I am putting this off. I have caught myself numerous times trying to take a trip to the doctor off the to do list. Each time I catch myself I just shake my head. Right now I am eating right and this week starts exercise. Me and my girlfriend are getting healthy this summer. We move in about two months and until then we are both off work. Well, she has a bit of work to do, but nothing huge.  We have nice free days with nothing to get in the way of getting healthy. I figure this is prime time to go get some anxiety medication. What better time could I ask for?

 

While writing that last paragraph I opened up the page for the hospital to see when their hours were for walk in patients.  The joy of moving regularily around Canada is that having a regular familiy doctor is impossible.  Seeing different doctors every time is bad. Obviously consistant doctors would be good. But I have to stop telling myself its useless to try the random doctors. Sure 80% of the time the literally do nothing but talk thier way out of doing anything. But sometimes they’re ok and every few years there will be one that will actually try to do a good job. I had one guy that didn’t know what was wrong with me actually try and find out.  I’ve had tons of “I dunno” but only one followed it up with actually trying to find out.  Did I mention I kinda hate most doctors? haha So going to them for help is tough.  The general “help” I get usually consists of a lot of “I dunno” and a little bit of calling me fat. At 38 I started to get called old. I could get that from the kids on my street. I wish doctors would take each and every patient seriously.  I know they see a lot of patients each day, but they’re the only doctor I get an appointment with and they generally don’t care.

 

I think I might wander down to the hospital today.  They’re taking patients in an hour and I think if I smoke a bowl now, I will be relaxed enough to go see them.  Just thinking about it is kinda doin me in though. So I am going to stop thinking and set an alarm for one hour for now.

Food

Still haven’t actually dealt with a doctor. But in general health news, we’re getting healthy. Me and my mighty girlfriend are ditching junk and eating right. For now we’re just focusing on making healthy meals etc. Still finishing off the junk we have when we can fit it in with the healthy stuff. Not buying any more crap though. At least until we move. When we leave it’s road trip time, so it’s harder then. After a few months of healthy food we should have some decent habits formed. Our garden is helping too. Produce is expensive and not great quality up here in the Arctic. This ups the quality while bringing down the price. We are loving it.

Next up is exercise. This is another thing that helps mental health. So healthy eating and exercise will help out, but I still plan on seeking professional help.

I’m reading a book called First, We Make The Beast Beautiful A New Journey Through Anxiety. I’m 60-70 pages in and it’s good. I don’t know anyone’s brain but my own, and my brain likes it. Not sure if people not plagued by crazy anxiety would appreciate it as much, but the cover can be appreciated by all. It’s got an amazing octopus cover you need to see.

That’s all for now.